kim faires photography + stuff
“Dear Kim, thank you for your application to Law School. We have kept you in limbo on our waiting list for 4 months now, but now we have decided that we just don’t want you. So sorry. (*stab*) Better luck next time.”
Or something like that….
Yup. I tried with all my might to get into law school. Not a big deal. Unless you know me. In which case, you’re probably thinking, “Why?” (And not even just “Why?” but, “WHY??”)
Well, I’ll answer that: Because I’m 40. Because I could really use some financial security. And some respect. Because I’ve been unemployed for nigh on two years now. Because I feel the pressure to conform to society’s standards. Because I don’t want to be dependent on anybody else. Because I need challenge. Because I’m capable of so much yet, seemingly, have accomplished so little.
Because I am scared of what the future might bring.
And I honestly thought I’d be able to do it. I’m smart. I’m capable. I made good grades in university. I had great references and a great letter-of-intent, BUT (and it’s a big BUT people), I never counted on the LSAT. (Honestly, it sounds like the name of a snake, or a demon, or a vampire….)
The test from hell. The test that exploited every little hang-up, weakness, shortcoming, and insecurity that I possess. In fact, I could write an entire book about what I think of that test and the industry that supports it, but I’ve already given a year of my life to this and I’m not giving any more. Which brings me to this point:
This is a game changer for me.
I have tried to fit into this system. I threw the towel in on my acting career (if you can call it that) eight years ago and have been struggling to find a nice, easy, secure path ever since. I tried training for health care. I got a university degree. I took career workshops. I worked through What Color is Your Parachute?. I conducted information interviews. I applied to law school. I looked and looked and looked for entry into some kind of professional, respectable, salaried position. And yet I’m still here: thousands of dollars later, hours of my life gone, with a letter of rejection in my hand.
So now, after all that, because I can’t think of anything else to do, and despite the fact that it scares me OUT OF MY MIND, I am going to follow my bliss. Or at least, what I think might be my bliss (since I’m not the kind of personality that really deals in “bliss”).
I’m going into filmmaking.
I’m going to build on all the skills I already possess as an actor and theatre director. I’m going to accept that every fibre of my being wants to go in this direction–completely against the societal grain–and launch myself into the great unknown.
And I’m going to blog about it here. I’m going to use this blog to chronicle my journey from here to there. And, holy god, I hope it works out.
Because I don’t know what else to do, except be me.